4:35 AM and I am not asleep yet. These are the nights I stay awake pondering over hopeless thoughts.
Maybe it’ll mean something to me one day.
Wow it’s really cold… does anyone want to buy me a small heater for my early Christmas present or something.
It’s a really nice thought to think that sometime in the near future, I’d eventually have someone here holding these cold hands, keeping them from trembling throughout winter.
To be honest, why we talked less and less was on my behalf. I was afraid of falling deep into the infatuation I had created between us. I knew things would never work out.
Drunk texts are great. I’m glad you remembered me even though we don’t really talk as much as we used to.
I. Woke up at around 4pm today. It’s been a habit of mine, waking up late and heading to work. I haven’t really found a way to fix it. Actually, I quite enjoy this schedule. Being alone in the quiet night without anyone around bothering. It’s almost as if I was living alone, a bit of therapy considering my current situation.
II. My best friend went to go grab us some dinner while I’m here at work alone. I haven’t exactly been alone at work for this long; it’s a new record. Maybe I can switch my hours since I feel more confident enough to work the by-yourself shifts. Speaking of which since I’m sitting here blogging, our burglar alarm is low in batteries and I have deal with the beeping for the rest of night. So annoying.
III. Wish we didn’t have to deal with any bitter/rude customers. I guess I try and understand or think of why they’re angry whatsoever. Maybe they were late for work, maybe their kids gave them shit, maybe they aren’t getting paid enough, whatever. I just hate dealing with it sometimes, especially the fact that I come into work content and happy (like I’m technically supposed to since I work at an ice cream place), then leaving feeling all somber and bitter towards the end of my shift. People can consume you; I’m just still trying to not let it get to me. But when your father treats you the same way each and everyday, you fall into this mental anguish state of mind. Eh, I shouldn’t complain. I want to say “I’m used to it,” but I’m really not.
IV. Regardless, I can say that (despite the issues surrounding my family) I’m content with where I am in life. I don’t have many friends, but the ones I do have, I’m very close to and it’s more than I could ask for.
V. I still think of you from time to time. Not in a bad way or anything, I truly hope you’re doing well. Sometimes I even visit your blog. I don’t know why, I just do.
VI. I have everyone’s Christmas gifts planned out. Finally able to give gifts this year now that I work. I’m trying to find some cute wrapping paper though ha.
Sometimes, I’m not quite sure if I’m heading down the right path. The light at the end of tunnel seems to always be a blur. It’s as if there’s potential if I go through with it.. if I just walk a little further down, but will I truly be satisfied? Will I be a happier person? I can never be so sure.